I have depression and anxiety issues. There, it's out there for the world to see. And, guess what? I am okay with that. I used to hide anything related to these from everyone. I thought I did a pretty good job too.
Turns out, most of the people closest to me had figured it out long before I admitted it. They just didn't know how to deal with what I was going through. So, they either ignored the issues or tried "tough love" tactics because they didn't understand. Take a minute to check out over 45 Signs of Depression. It may help you, or someone you love.
I don't blame them. Depression and anxiety are like understanding the complex qualities of a fine wine when all you have ever consumed is beer. There are nuances and palette triggers associated with fine wine, and no two bottles are exactly the same. They may look the same, have similar qualities, and matching names, but there are unseen differences to each. It all depends on their history, where they are stored, what they are paired with, etc.
Mental health issues are the same. Sure, many who suffer from depression and/or anxiety has shared commonalities, but no two people are exactly the same. Their experiences, their history, the people in their life, their genetic dispositions, and more, make each person's experiences a singular entity. So, at the start of this new year I thought I would share some of thoughts I've had on making resolutions.
Pressure of New Year Resolutions
Now's that time of year when people are psyched about the new year and fresh starts. This is the time resolutions are created, and often, forgotten, I rarely meet a person that has stuck to their resolution for any substantial length of time.
It burdens the soul when you feel like you have failed at a self-commitment. When you are already prone to depression the last thing you want is to feel like a failure.
So, no resolutions here. I have decided to think about the goals, plans, and ideals I want incorporated into my life. Hence, I have asked myself what I want. The answer is... I Have No Idea.
My thoughts often have to focus on the present or the immediate future. Because when depression or anxiety overwhelms, some days it is a chore just to be.
There are a few things I would like...
I want to enjoy everything.
I want to be like other I see that reveal in frequent unabashed exuberance.
I want to see the colors of raging fireworks overheard and be in awe rather than bored.
I want to be able to part of the group without always wondering how I can gracefully escape it.
I want to answer my phone when a friend rings rather than ignore it because I have become accustomed to silence.
I want to have things in common with others, because right now I feel so very different.
I would like to eat better, walk more, forgo chocolate, and to get more sleep. But, I will not set myself up for failure. So, I will not unequivocally state I will do these things. In fact, what I seek is more of a quest. I do not consider that a "resolution" for the new year.
I want to figure out more about myself. I want this so that I can understand why the things I listed above feel so unattainable. I'd like to consider I have begun a very determined journey of self-awareness. But right now...
Have you ever heard the song Round Here by the Counting Crowes? The song begins...
Step out the front door like a ghost Into the fog where no one notices The contrast of white on white.
At times I want a lot it seems. At others, I wonder why these "normal" desires feel so far out of my reach. What is wrong with me? Nothing? Everything? It's probably somewhere in-between. Everyone seems to have an opinion or judgement.
I try not to concern myself about what others think. I am becoming the person I want to be. It's a slow process, as the best journeys are.
So, I will continue to chronicle my private rantings and ravings, my hopes and goals, and incorporate plenty of self-affirmations. I will explore my inner thoughts and my outwards actions. I will continue to keep growing and adapting as a person. And, at some point, I hope to rediscover my joy.
What I will not do is put pressure on myself to be something I am not or to accomplish something my mind or body may not be ready for. My journey is unlike anyone else's, as it should be for every individual person.